Seattle Trip 2011 - Part 1: Airport Security

Well, we're off to Washington state to attend Michael's middle daughter's high school graduation and visit the kiddos. Because this is the only time off I've got until January, we're taking a couple of days and running up to Vancouver for a mini-vacation. I've never been to Canada, so I'm excited to go. Plus, we're going orca watching one day…in those inflatable Navy Seal-looking kind of boats, so they'll be up close and personal! I'm trying to not think about the "killer" part of their name, killer whales. Or to think about the fact that they're bigger than the boats we'll be in.

So, last night I check, for the second time, the regs on carry-on items. Blades less than 6in are allowed, according to SW's website. I switch MacGyver tools to my small (tiny) purse-sized one (for those who may not know Angie-Speak, "MacGyver tools" are the multi-purpose tools like the Swiss Army Knives). I get to the X-Ray machine, proud of myself for having everything just right - no liquids (all those were checked, and packed in a lined bag In the event of leakage), slip-on shoes, no belts/coins/clunky jewelry, and no sharp, pointy objects outside of the posted regulations.

I sailed through the people-scanning machine, and my first two tubs sailed through X-Ray. As I'm dressing myself, I notice the conveyor belt do an abrupt reverse, and hear the agent commenting "yep, yep, THERE IT IS!" Great. I knew immediately what they were looking at. I knew better than to bring it. But I checked! So they start to go through my bag. Slowly. Carefully, as if there were a poisonous snake hidden somewhere in the bottom.

As I'm standing there, another lady has to have her bag checked as well. Her agent is chipper and friendly (which, while I was envious at the time, since my guy hadn't even said hello, now that I think about it, she probably was a little too chipper for morning-Angie to have handled gracefully). In a pleasant West Texas drawl, she begins: "Gooooood morning, m'am. We need to double check something in your bag...we just simply couldn't identify something. It will only take a moment...oh, there it is! Ok, just one more time through the machine and you should be good."

Meanwhile, my guy is STILL searching through a three-compartment bag as if it were going to explode any minute, especially if he touched the green wire. Still no conversation, no questions, no hint of what he was looking for. He begins the process again for a fourth time. I knew what he was probably looking for and could have helped him find it quicker, but at this point, I was getting annoyed. And an annoyed Morning-Angie is not a pleasant person. Regular, non-annoyed Morning-Angie isn't a pleasant person to start with….

So, now I'm boring holes with my eyes into the poor man, who after all is just doing his job. It's not his fault that SW and TSA rules don't match. It's not his fault some idiot bureaucrat in Washington came up with some really stupid rules. But he's there and he's convenient, he's not chipper, and he's treating my bag like the slightest vibration will cause mass casualties. Pick, pick, pick, gingerly move the laptop case aside slowly, pick, pick, pick, gingerly open zippers slowly, pick, pick, pick...did I mention the tool was TINY? Folded up, it was less than an inch long and 1/2 inch wide. Open, it is less than two inches. WAY less than the three inches in the rules. I've traveled with knitting needles that would do more damage than this thing could. Heck, my car keys could do more damage than this.

I'm pulled from my irritated hole-boring glare by a hand holding the offending tool up in the air, waving it around for his colleagues to see: "Whew! Aww, here it is!" He found it. Goody gumdrops. While this has been going on, Ms. Chipper has apparently encountered another non-morning individual. All I'm hearing out of my left ear is a very loud voice with attitude saying something about terrorists and why does she have to be singled out. In my right ear, Mr. Sullen, very proud of himself for isolating this threat (did I mention the lady next to me was yelling and using words like "knife" and "terrorists" in the same sentence?), began the whole, "I can give you some options…" To which I rudely cut him off, telling him to just throw the damn thing away. It only cost two bucks and was already not worth the 10 minutes and the humiliation it had already cost me (oh, and sir, by the way, have you noticed the irate lady next to us, using the words "knives" and "terrorists" and now "stupid government" in the same sentences? NO? Oh, I guess it's because you were so worried that my one inch, made-in-China, duller-than-Al Gore's-global-warming-lectures knife blade that would inflict mass casualties had it been allowed onto the plane. Thanks).

I grab my bag and stalk off, fuming and red-faced, pissed off at the terrorists who regardless of what our government says, have succeeded in terrorizing us, and have greatly changed our lives, and made huge fools of our Transportation Safety Administration, pissed off that I have to walk bare-foot where people with nasty feet have walked barefoot, wondering if the TSA is in cahoots with the makers of Tinactin athlete's foot medication, and pissed off at our law-makers for being in bed with the security companies that are more interested in selling their latest inventions to airports than our true security. But that's a soapbox for another time (when was the last time Israel had problems with their airlines and terrorists? They don't x-ray people - they profile people, and use dogs to sniff the luggage).

Part 2 Coming Soon...Traveling is lovely. And worth it, right?